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Thirteen years ago I was celebrating the joy of a new life growing inside me. I was dreaming of our future as a family of 3 and the journey we were just about to begin. As many know that journey was not what I dreamed. I recently have been thinking about my sweet baby. I think of her every day. I have had this inner turmoil of yearning to hold her and just have one more moment with her. the days and years have passed and I don’t want to forget what her soft skin felt like, what her sweet baby smell, her tiny feet and her button nose. I want to have those sweet baby moments, the crazy toddler days, the busy day of childhood and now enter the often up and down teenage years. How would Grace be today? What would she love to do? What would be HER dreams of the future?

When I go into this space in my mind I immediately go to shame and guilt for not just being grateful for what I do have. I should be over this and I should know that this is not worth the time I am giving it. I hear my inner voice tell me, “You should be over it.” You should be past this point…” “Just let it go already.” These voices argue with the forever grieving momma that I am. “There is no time line for grief.” “It takes as long as it takes.” “Yearn for her when ever you need to and dream.” I figurative tug of war in my brain.

These thoughts of yearning and anger for missing out on the life that could have been are not wrong. There is no right or wrong in these moments. I am journeying to find love and acceptance in all my dark shadows as there is always a dark to the light. It is horribly uncomfortable to sit in this sadness. It is is an ache in the pit of my stomach. A heaviness like no other hanging all over my body pulling my shoulders down. A sharp stabbing pain to my heart. A hunger to just scream at the sky in anger. And yet…

This is all OK. This all needs the love and acceptance to carry on with the next moment. I am allowed to feel and experience all of this and there is no one that can tell me that I “should” be somewhere else in this journey. This is my journey and I am here to say that even in these dark moments I am able to see the light. These moments won’t break me and only feed my desire to carry on.

I want all of the mommas of infant and pregnancy loss to know that your experience and grief is yours and should not be compared to anyone. I am here to say I love you and know your pain and I know that together we can hold each other and honor one and another. It is in this “special club” that none of us wanted membership that we can find the strength to move forward to find the light again.

Tomorrow is Bereaved Mother’s Day and I will remember each of you and your dreams and your babies. I love you.

(originally published May 1, 2021)