I haven’t written in a while and that is mainly due to my work and my continued goal to reach and create this wonderful community. I recently found myself examining my grieving journey and while I have always had moments of deep sadness and tearful periods. I always thought I was been there done that on this journey. Although, with some peaceful introspection I find that there are some areas that still bother me and that I may not be “okay” with. I continue to live with this overwhelming feeling of guilt. Guilt that Grace’s pregnancy was flawed and a moment of failure. I brought this unimaginable sadness to my family and friends that they did not deserve nor did I want to see them in so much pain. In my brain I know it was not “my fault” but in my heart I hold the responsibility of this sorrow. The grief that my husband and parents and his parents have felt and had to process. I also have never had that moment of pure anger at what had happened. “It is not fair.” “Why did this have to happen to me?” Recently in a group that I work with I was able to examine these feelings and realized that over my life my self worth is defined by certain moments. Over my life I can look back and see where these moments continue to influence my worthiness. Grace’s birth and death is one of these moments.
I am not worthy of motherhood because I did not take the appropriate supplements when trying to get pregnant. I am not worthy because my pregnancy was a failure. I am not worthy because this horrible loss has created so much pain and sorrow. And today these worthiness questions influence my daily work and internalization of all that I do and strive for. I don’t want to hear that Grace’s tiny life was on purpose and meant to be to bring me to this point because damn it I want her here with me now. I want us to be a happy and joyful family of 5.
The reality is her life now 12 years later is now impacting everything. It is the heart of what I do daily. Again, my brain knows that my worthiness is not dependent on the success or failure of my pregnancy but man the messages my soul tell me are hard to get rid of and adjust to the positive messages I so long to hear from myself. So, what do I do now? How do I change my internal messages? How do I create the feeling of radical self love that I so need and deserve?
I wake up each day and I start anew. I create a new routine of setting a morning intention for the day. I continue to work at this work I know I am called to do and look for the messages and evidence that I am living my souls purpose. I surround myself with friends and supports that remind me when I am in a rut of self doubt to continue to trudge forward. I listen to them and take time out of my day to be okay with the feelings I am having and accept them and love them for it is these feelings that allow me to see the sun after the rain. I don’t have to have this all worked out and I am a work in progress. I am connecting with families and women that know what a loss such as this is like but we continue to face each day and take care of our families the best way we know how… just show up. Be present and know that this too shall pass.
I am grateful that at almost 45 I am having even if ever so slight a self acceptance that I have never known before. I am glad I took this moment to share where I am. It is okay not to be okay all the time. It is perfectly acceptable to take the time you need to process whatever it is you need to get through and feel it and love it.
(originally posted Feb 244, 2021)